this morning in the wee hours of the morning, i was lying next to hubby in bed. in the dark. before the break of dawn, a wave of dread, powerlessness and defeat washed over me. "hubby? do you ever feel like you're never going to make it?" the question whispered from my lips to his ears in that dark innocent quiet. tears flooded my eyes and rolled down my cheeks as i pulled closer to my love, looking for security and validation. I wasn't really asking him because i wanted to know his thoughts. the question was really more like a confession from my soul.
my heart gave in to this constant and desperate battle i fight daily, by the second. the more i try, the harder it becomes for me to win. to be free of meritless guilt, baseless shame, and paralysing fear. i am desperate for the peaceful and fulfilled life. a life i without hesitation i pray for others, but do not think i deserve. i am exhausted and at the end of myself. ready to give in to "this is as good as it gets" for me. and that is where He comes in.
i am done, but God is not finished. He finally has me in a place where He can get to work and be glorified. He's been waiting for me to show up and hand over the keys. i have finally run out of my own ability to do and must desperately cling to His grace. His hope. His promise. His way.
Jesus is calling me and there is no other choice but to answer this time and listen. i hear you, Lord.
be blessed.
