return to me

in the past few weeks (months really) i have been evaluating myself, my attitude and certain things i've noticed that have changed about me. some things really good, like my body being healthier and in shape. my ever-changing hairstyles (it's changed like four times in the last month). and a slightly more adventurous approach to my wardrobe.

i've also noticed with all this great stuff happening, i've picked up a few not-so-good points of view within the last year. mainly my attitude toward romantic relationships-more specifically how i view my lack of being in one. now, i will say that my confidence level is through the roof and i am without a doubt a very, very attractive woman. an awesome friend and fun (crazy to some). i'm totally worth any man's while and any guy would be lucky to have me. i am a great catch. so why haven't i been caught?

this is the kind of question that has been brewing in the back of my mind lately. then when an opportunity for a relationship presents itself, one of two things happen. i enter with low expectations or i get too excited too quickly. then when things don't work out, i am sad. disappointed. and slight bitterness sets in. and the sad thing is i remember a time when i wasn't like that at all.

i never cared about "why didn't he call?" or "why can't i get someone?" i was perfectly happy just being me and just doing what i do. even when i didn't have the confidence level i have now, i enjoyed being alone or hanging out with friends. i wasn't worrying about some biological clock or the fact that i am unhitched. so what happened? where did that carefree fabulous single attitude go? i guess it was a gradual thing like the frog in the pot theory. there was a slow increase of too many bitter thoughts and other people's negative energies and attitudes around me. and eventually it got so hot, i didn't even notice it until now.

part of it is that i am an emotional sponge. sometimes i take what other people go through so personally that it manifests itself through my actions and disposition. i've allowed others' bad relationships or negative attitude to take hold of me. now i am a grown @!# woman and can think for myself, but subconsciously this off-brand of thinking's taken an adverse affect on me. i found myself adopting a slightly unhappy disposition toward romance. but i gradually let it happen. well, the buck stops here.

i don't want to or care to be that "bitter" girl. i'm not a bitter person. i am a hopeless romantic and a major fan of love. i'm excited to see others in love and spending their lives with their ONE. and i'll admit that sometimes i wonder if somehow love's bypassed me. or maybe i did meet HIM, but we both didn't realize it and we slipped away from each other. or maybe we've just not crossed paths yet.

but i do know that i was a happier, more satisfied me when i didn't dwell on those things so much. i was less stressed, and more content. and that's the attitude i'm taking back. i'm loving who i'm growing up to be and all the awesome new adventures that await me in the future. but this blase attitude has got to go. i'm shaking off this funk and climbing out of the pot. i'm returning to me.

be able to recognize some changes aren't for the best. be willing to admit it. be blessed.

homestretch...

alrighty. it's crunch time. all that's left is the portfolio to assemble for the application to grad school! it's hard going through ten years of stuff and deciding what's good enough for "the book." aye, aye, aye! i'd better hurry up, though. the school's already sending me an awards letter. lord, i hope i can pay for all this!!!

be blessed.

when you're sick, you can get a lot done

i am sick today. well, i've actually been not well for the past week and a half. i tried to thwart illness's evil plans to take over my body by taking dayquil and drinking theraflu like it's kool-aid. but to no avail, i succumbed to the pressure of "sick" and during church yesterday and had to leave shortly thereafter.

today, i didn't go to work. i slept until about 10am, got up and took a shower and went back to bed. then i didn't get up again until my stomach said she wanted to eat. so i ate, watched a movie on my laptop (another reason i love this computer) and took another nap. when i finally woke up again, i filled out my grad school application online. after YEARS of debating on whether to go or not. or whether a particular school was what i needed, i went ahead and did it!!!!! all that's left is to send my portfolio and transcripts to complete the process. THEN i filled out my FASFA form for financial aid assistance for school. THEN i logged onto fastweb.com and scoped out scholarships/grants for school. all from the comforts of my cozy sick bed.

now, it wasn't totally all work, nap and no play. i did surf the web (myspace.com) and found some family, friends and acquaintances' pages. no, i don't have a page. i don't think i need or want to at this time. but it was interesting to see how much PERSONAL info people put on those things. way more than what i'm comfortable seeing. no wonder it's so easy for predators to find people. but that's another entry.

this entry's about my accomplishing a great feat - finishing my application for school! yea, me. now on to the next task.... updating my wardrobe... i should've never watched "the devil wears prada"...

be blessed.

drip...

finally! a break in the financial cave i've been in for a spell [drip...] medical bills from my reduction are at last paid off [drip...]. the cell phone bill [drip...] is at a decent number and the credit card limit is winding down. tax money came back and it's a [drip drip] pretty good amount. a small financial victory [drip, drip, drip...] for me. [DRIP]

what the [DRIP, DRIP, DRRRRRIP] is that? aha, another way to pull me back in... apparently my house decided i need a shower in the living room... quick what does money leaking out of my pocket book sound like?

be blessed.

power tools

ok. i just put up curtain rods with a hammer and a butter knife, people. did you hear me?... a freakin' butter knife! people are asking me what i want as house warming gift, though six months into living in my new home i have yet to have an official "moved in party." they want to get me curtains, candles, cooking utensils and all that other girly girl pottery barn stuff. screw that! get me a freakin' gift certificate to lowes or home depot! i need fertilizer for the yard; a mulch machine, pipe cutters and other manly man tools that most gals shy away from!

i'm registering for a lawnmower, power drill and drill bit set, paint brushes, nails, spackle and a giant tool box to put this treasure in. what am i thinkin'? how did i make it four years in my other house without this stuff? pure insanity. granted i have a small number of man-friends who will gladly come over and install stuff for me, but their wives and girlfriends command most of their attention. i'm STILL waiting for brother-in-law to come and install a over counter can opener. argh. and let's face it, i don't do the damsel in distress thing very well. but the reality is i AM a damsel in distress. i'm a chocolate damsel without the proper tools to get the job done.

although it takes a special talent to put up curtains with a hammer and eating utensil, it would probably have gone smoother with a power screwdriver. hmmm. you know what, i'm adding to the "do you have a job, do you live with your momma" list "do you have a power drill? and how open are you to installing ceiling fans?" yeah, that's it!

fellas, wanna sure-fire way into this damsel's heart? buy me a level and say those words i need to hear... "i have a black and decker wall sander for you"

be blessed.

chicken george, where are you?

you know, after watching the entire series of alex haley's roots, i realized that the story dealt with more than the social injustices of slavery, bigotry and racism. the series also had some powerful love stories brewing as well. take for instance the love story between chicken george (kunte kinte's grandson) and the love of his life matilde (tilde for short).

their's was a love story that tested the strains of raising a family during the times of slavery. they had unwavering faith in each other. their connection to each other was so powerfully depicted, it made me wonder if a love like that really and truly still exists today. are there any men like that left where come hell or high water providing for the family still came first. still having that strong passion to be with ONE woman and love her when she's old and grey. willing to face death for his woman and family. his word is bond and promises are kept. intentions are honorable and he is a REAL man.

and tilde was love force to be reckon with as well. strong, feminine and ready to fight anyone to defend the honor of her man. backing him up even in his absence. faithful and true. a REAL woman unafraid to tell the world who she belonged to and proud of that fact.

chicken george, are you still out there? if you are, the tilde's of the world are patiently waiting for your valiant return. we're here ready to show you that rock solid faith and love you're looking for. oh, yessah! chicken george, it's time to come on home!

be blessed.