lots o stuff

oh my!
so much stuff. so little time to write about it all! so here's a brief synopsis hmmm. let's see.

head of the class
the semester's almost over with my teaching experience at my alma mater. i must say finding time to prepare to teach for the class and continue my regular daily activities prooved to be more involved than i thought it would. but so far it's been worth it. the students seem to be learning despite my secret fears that i haven't been effectively teaching them squat. but to my surprise and theirs, some really nice projects have been cranked out. there is one student who tries her best to get a rise or shock out of me and i pretty much don't play up to it. she's one of the most talented there. i think once she realizes that no one's going to put up with her foolishness, she'll come around. she must be 'cause she's signed up for the upper level class in the spring. ha!

temper tantrum!
so i'm asked to teach the next level class at the alma and i say sure. but i can't do it in the middle of the afternoon, twice a week. the schedule is too grueling. i'm really not loving the getting to work 8am and staying 'til 6pm to make up the hours. not fun at all. so we (the head o' the art chair and me) change the time to once a week, late afternoon. i'm half listening when i hear something like "blah, blah, blah. not a full class. blah. blah. not full class. yap yappity prorate at $250 a student. blad blah yap" i'm like whatever that sounds fine.

i get home from teaching. relax a little and start running through my head what i may want to teach and then back to my remembrance "yap yap $250 per student" WHAT! hold the press! what happens if i don't get a full class? what if i end up with only 2 students? you mean you're only going to pay me $500 for teaching from january to may? four months of rearranging my schedule (work and personal), burning gas and sleep! uh. i don't think so. so i have a chat with mr. art chair. more like pitch a fit. "the amount of work doesn't decrease because my number of students isn't the desired full class quota." i love the dept and the school, but there's absolutely no way at all that i'm going to be able to do this for such meager pay. we go back and forth and i continue to pitch my fit and disgust for the school and their backwards thinking for compensating adjuncts. to make a long story short. the art dept will be making up the difference in pay for next semester. i thinking of taking this matter up with the provost. it's not right, but i can't burn the bridge i'm standing on.

there's another temper tantrum story involving my cell phone, but i'll save that for another entry.

and baby makes three.
freebird is here! on nov 8 around 7pm, my dear friends welcomed the beautiful bouncing boy into their family. what a glorious and much awaited blessing. i cried when i saw his little picture. mazel tov! congratulations masumi and hubby! i can't wait to meet him when i visit!

dirty thirty!
i'm officially out of my twenties! thank God! let the good times begin. i started the celebration early with a girls night in with some good friends, my sister and mother. we stayed up late, talked and watch movies. the next day we sprinted over for a quick choir rehearsal, then back to prep for my big party. another friend of mine informed me the day before that she was bringing a secret guest. ah. fb, you matchmaker, you! i say what ever. i'm thirty. what have i got to lose! friends and fam start arriving. we sing karoke, dance, eat, sing some more and have a great time. special thanks to kmm who gave up her beloved cock/tiger game to party with me. it paid off, her team won! the late nighters headed over for some midnight bowling. we make lots o' noise, bowl terribly and make fun of each other. it was absolutely the greatest. we come back eat some more, and fall asleep. the next day is my actual birth day. we go to a matinee showing of the next installment of the harry potter movie. awesome! the day is ended with good byes to traveling guests and communion service at my church. it was really nice, but i was sooo tired.

i know you mean well, but...
ha! thought i forgot about ol' mystery guest, didn't cha? well, don't get all excited. that spark fizzled out as soon as i opened the door and said, "hi, welcome to my party." fb is an awesome, beautiful person. she's wonderful and sweet and the best friend you could ever ask for. BUT has no clue in what i like as far as guys go. the guy seemed nice, but a little too old for me. there was absolutely no physical attraction at all (at least on my end). fb. you may want to do a little deeper profile of yours truly before you try entering me on the "dating, mismatching game!"

well i think that sums it all up for now. promise more to come before the year's end.

be ready. be spunky. be blessed.

it's time for fat gear

i'm getting fat! not phat! round, filling out in the middle, developing a slight case of dunlap disease! so why am i all in a tizzy about it now? i'll tell you why! my beautiful size 12 clothes are growing tighter and tighter. i'm no longer having a fat day once month during that "special time;" those days are quickly becoming a thing of regular occurence. so to what do i attribute this growing cause? hormones? medicines? pregnancy? definitely not the last one! (see why) the answer is quite simple - just plain L-A-Z-I-N-E-S-S.

i was comfortable in the fact that my enormous jugs hid my slightly pudgy stomach all these years. to those of you who say "shut up, child, you've always been on skinny side," i say "NOT SO." the girls were major distractors from all things not in a shapely manner - mainly my stomach. i didn't really wear tight or snug fitting clothes because i used to buy tops large enough to cover ye jugs major. subsequently the rolls were safe from the rigors of exercise. the baggy clothes made it easier to let middle go forth and increase in size.

yes, i have been a size 12 since high school. but recently i have been fluctuating between 12 and 14. since my breast reduction, my pudge has no shelter. no where to hide. the boulders of safety have been lifted and shrunk down! my buddha belly is exposed! and not in a cool way.

sure i can still go to the store and pick up a size 12 and try it on. but now it takes a little more effort to pull that skirt or pants over the hips to the waist. things are getting a little tighter and if i don't suck it in the button or zipper ain't movin' north for one!

so what's my plan of action, ladies and gents? simple. i've got to, GULP, excercise! it's time to do some crunches, jog, run, whatever! this bulge has got to go! now i don't think i need to lose weight, 1-2lbs if i do. i just need to tone up what i've got and hopefully shave down some of the bulge. i already eat pretty healthy so there really isn't a need to restrict my diet.

now i own step tapes, a step box, abs and buns of steel, jane fonda's workouts hand weights and a yoga mat. i have on numerous ocaissions tried to do these things on a regular basis. the problem is i've been trying to do this at home. convenience. it was convenience that's allowed my middle to get thicker than it needs to be! i have realized about myself that if i have to pay for something, i will use it!

so the game plan is to sign up for some fitness classes at my community recreational center. but not just any fitness class, are you ready for this, BELLY DANCING! how awesome and fun! i'm also doubling up to take body sculpting! if i pay for the class, i'm gonna go! can't and won't skip because it will be my money wasted! as an incentive, i bought a cute size 12 skirt that i almost can't fit. it's my "shape up and get sexy skirt." i'm gonna be sculpted and extra hot, or well on my way, by the time the big three-oh rolls around. i'll keep you posted!

be healthy. be adventurous. be blessed!

boy, you're a talker...

i know, i know. i've been ignoring the online rantings that is me.

what can i say? i've been a busy little girl. i started teaching a design course at my alma mater earlier this month. i must say, it's a little more time-consuming than i thought it would be. there's so much i have to learn or remember in order to reteach. terms, history, methods and real world applications! it's really a lot more involved than i signed up for.

but so far it's fun. there are a few bright stars in my class of eight. there's one in particular that will go far in life and in her career. she's bright, very insightful talented and creative. there are some who are eager to learn and will catch up quickly. then there are others who are there because they've got nothing else better to do. sometimes i want to take my shoe off and beat 'em in the head and scream "your laziness will be your downfall!" "there isn't enough talent in the world that will bail you out if you're not willing to work!"

aside from that, the class is going well. i have to make sure that i'm adquately despensing the information and experience i've gained in while on this lovely treck in the design biz. there's a lot i don't know or remember. and i find my self studying before i go before the ladies in class. this, in the long run, will make me a better designer. but i hope that i'm a good teacher. Lord, help me!

be resourceful. be ready to learn, again and again. be blessed.

it is a good day after all

the anniversary of 9/11 is coming up soon. like those in the generations before us who remembered where they were and what they were doing when kennedy and martin luther king were assassinated, i remember that day in 2001. i remember thinking it was a joke when someone said a plane just crashed into the world trade center. i remember the panicked feeling when i realized my most treasured friends might be included in the rising number of casualties. i must have hit re-dial every minute until i got through and heard their voices say "we're okay." the big sigh of relief and immediate prayers for everyone in ny.

i remember thinking "o my God, my pastor flies in and out of DC all the time!" my spiritual leader could be gone, too? a sigh of relief to hear he was in town that day. then thinking that my sister is up there up north. they on occasion visit ny since she's there in rhode island. what about my aunt in manhattan? my other family in queens? somebody should try calling to make sure they're ok. it's funny how one single day that started out same as any others quickly turned into a day of tragedy. the date september 11 is forever marked with darkness and sadness. i remember.

i also remember where i was and what i was doing that very same day two years later. i was in a hospital room watching all of the "we remember" programs about that sad day. all of the footage from the event, the interviews, the candlelighting ceremonies. yes, but i was not sad that day in the hospital room. i was with my sister, waiting for new life to come into the world. i was waiting for the miracle that is my nephew. as my sister lay there wading through contractions, i thought to myself "this day is good again. an angel is coming.

i say he's a miracle because he was not supposed to be born for another six weeks. my sister was in two car accidents while she was pregnant with him. one at four months and the other at the eighth month mark. this kid's a fighter for sure. and obviously a little impatient. this day is a good day. an angel is coming.

this sweet, unbelievably beautiful little boy came into the world on this day to remind me that miracles still happen. he came to remind me that the day should be reverenced, but not mourned for all eternity. it should not be looked upon as a day to forget the miracle of life. miracles happened on that day. think of all those who survived. think of how that was miraculous all on its own. don't get me wrong. i do pause and pray for those who are still hurting from the losses in ny and virginia. i pray that they've found healing and the God has granted them peace of mind, spirit and soul.

but then i have to remember God's grace and sweet mercy as i play with the angel that was born september 11, 2003. i remember how it was a struggle for him to make it here. i remember why my sister chose his name because it means "gift of God." i tell people who cringe when they learn of his birthday that it's okay. it's a good day now. an angel was born. it is a good day after all.

be kind. be mindful. be blessed.

keeping my inner-bridezilla at bay

so. it was bound to happen. out of the six girls my parents brought in this world (one boy at the end), one of us was bound to make that step. the big jump toward marriage. no, no. not me... although it is openly expected that i should be the first. being first born and all. i still hold out hope, though i'm not rushing either.

nope. i announce with pride and a minute dash of envy, that #3 is engaged! of course we all knew it was coming. they've been inseparable since the day they met. she's been through some crappy choices in the past. so it's nice to see her finally be with someone who's mature and take can care of himself without being told. yep. he's a keeper. gave her a nice ring, too. well done, yard man, well done.

what surprises me, though, is how my inner bridezilla is eager to jump out and take charge! while the wedding is not set until near the end of next year, i've already made appointments for #3 to try on dresses. i've downloaded possible invite layouts; saved pictures of possible bride's maids dresses; talked to someone about videography; and put the wedding director and seamstress on stand by.

i have bookmarked possible places for a reception and made notes of potential caterers and party favors. #3's in an intense program to become a licensed dietician while working a full-time job. sometimes she doesn't know whether she's coming or going. i've been in and helped plan numerous wedding celebrations. so some may think that i'm being a very helpful, big sister. and to some degree some planning should be done as far in advance as possible.

but nothing has hit this close to home as an IMMEDIATE family member. MY SISTER'S GETTING MARRIED. there's a teeny tiny little voice in my head that says "girl, this may be as close as it's gonna get for you." i shewed the voice away. i told #3 that she and yard man (he does landscaping work) should sit down together and really talk about what kind of wedding they want. we'll help make it happen from there. so was little voice of "always a bride's maid, never a bride" vanquished with that statement? not at all...

the other day, #3 told me of a song that she wanted to use for her bridal march and i immediately say, "that's just not going to work." "here listen to this song. it's just beautiful. i was thinking of using it someday when i get married." hello? where did that come from? you're not the one who's getting married. this is not your wedding! girl get a grip! that's when i realized that there's a miniscule little bride deep with in the depths of my being trying to emerge as #3 on her wedding day!

oh no! what am i doing? i've got to silence this little demonette before she completely takes over and totally aggravates me, #3 and everyone else in her wedding war path. so is there help for this new found personality? i don't want to become a bridezilla wanna-be, nor do i want to be a bride's maidzilla!

step one is to recognize there is a problem and admit help is needed. i've done that. what's step two? i think it's basically to constantly remind myself that i'm not the bride, i am the help. while my opinion is valued, it is not the final say so. i'm not the one who is donning the white dress and veil. i'm not taking the walk down the aisle, yet. my day will come, but it's not on #3's day. it's all about her and yard man and their expression of love.

don't get so pushy and don't try to plan everything for them the way you think it should be. if you should start to waiver and little bridezilla starts to show. remember THIS IS NOT YOUR DAY! which, by the way is a year and a half from now. ok. i think i'm okay now. i really needed to say that out loud. whew! i think she's gone now.

that reminds me, i need to tell #3 i bookmarked some pages of wedding dresses i think she'd like. uh oh... beating little bridezilla will be more of a challenge than i thought... give me strength :)

be in control. be aware of your inner-bridezilla. be blessed.

i lost four pounds in three hours

i am reborn! reshaped! and four bra sizes smaller! i can look down and see my lap. i can look down and see my feet when i stand! i can wear one of those tank tops with the built-in bra... and it fits! i can button my shirt and NOT use a safety pin to keep it closed. the shoulders are relieved and the back doesn't ache! and i still have a pretty nice rack at top! i no longer look like i'm hiding two watermelons in my shirt.

eventually i'll be able to do aerobic exercises and not have to do the low impact version 'cause it hurts! i can buy large or medium shirts. extra large or 1X tops are a thing of the past. yes, folks, i am new! and i have my plastic surgeon to thank. the best part is that scars are appearing to be minimal. no keloids so far - that was one of the things i was concerned about.

i took out an old bra and put it on. my new "girls" laughed at the thought that it would now take two of them to fill up one cup. wow.

there's still some swelling to go down, but i don't regret this decision that i should have made years ago. now all i need it to have a little more liberty in my pocket book to update my wardrobe!

i'm a happy camper. still sore and achy in some place, but otherwise very very happy. i can't wait to put on a suit without a safety pin. thank you, plastic surgeon - you're a genius in your own right!

be blessed!

why, lord! why luther?!

ah. what a sad day for music everywhere. what a sad day for r&b. we have lost one of the greatest singers of all time today. sweet, slow jam king luther vandross is gone.

many a baby has been conceived by the melodic tunes of his sweet silky voice. "here and now" will always be played as couples take the floor and dance their first as man and wife. ah. luther. why? and why so young? he was only 54. you'll be remembered, man. always and forever.

just a little change

one week from today, a big change will be taking place. i'll be going through a shape-shifting of sorts. i'm having my larger than life "baby feeders" taken down a few notches. that's right, folks, i'm having a breast reduction! when i tell people this, i'll get one of two reactions. the first is "oh, wow! congratulations!" this response is the one i most prefer, but then i wonder. why did they say it with such enthusiasm and excitement? am i that big that i amaze people with my ability to walk upright at all? nevertheless, i say thanks because that's what i want to hear.

the other response is "why?" "why would you change how you are?" why? hello, clueless! have you seen the giant watermelons i've been lugging around for the past 15 years? it's a wonder that i'm able to walk upright at all! there are some unfortunate souls who are much bigger than i, but i'm still not proportioned right at the top of my body frame. i pray for all those gals suffering with sore shoulders and aching backs.

others have asked if i'm nervous about the surgery. if i've had nightmares or weird dreams. not really. i do pass the mirrors in my house, though, and try to squish "the girls" together, visualizing what my body will look like after i'm all nipped, cut and sewn back together. i'm not nervous or scared because i have been well-educated in what's going to happen. thanks to masumi who had this surgery back when we were in college. she was gracious enough to tell me what would be going down. what to expect, what i would be able to do and not do. she's been very tolerant of my going back and forth through the years with the decision to have it done. thanks, gal, you're a wealth of knowledge and a great friend!

there have been a host of other friends who've had the surgery and have been great enough to tell me the truth... especially about the pain. "girl, you will be in pain, but that's why they give you those happy pills." then there's my bookmarked list of breast reduction surgery websites. some complete with before and after pictures! i think i'm most at ease because my plastic surgeon is very experience in this type of surgery and his staff has been phenomenal. he comes highly recommended by friends who have had this done (and other stuff). AND he's board certified and a member in good standing. that's key!

but i'm sitting here thinking. how much will my life and wardrobe change once i make the transition from a G-cup (sorry fellas) to the normal-sized C. here's a short little list:

1. i will have to shop for more bras. seeing as my soon-to-be-too-big bras will no longer fit. perhaps i should make the old ones into a hat or a baby cap for little Freebird. one of my sweet friends sent me a victoria's secret gift card. yum!

2. i'll be able to shop in the victoria's secret store. now while they have added larger cups to their line, the biggest i've seen is a D-cup. ha! my robust boobies laugh at their feeble attempts to "cater to the more than plentiful up top."

3. i will be able to spend less than $30 for at least two bras vs. the $40+ i spend on one that's strong enough to hold the boulders. i don't have to go to a specialty shop to get industrial-strength support! more bras for me!

4. i won't have to pin my shirts closed to hide the emabarrassing boobie bulge.

5. i will probably lose about 5lbs, which for any girl that's just awesome. numbers do matter... don't let them tell you otherwise!

6. i can try on a dress and not have to worry if it will zip past where the breasts begin! i'll be able to buy large and mediums shirts!!!

7. i can finally take an aerobics class and not worry about poking my eye out during jumping jacks. but not for atleast six months.

8. guys won't stare at... ah who am i kidding. no matter what size they are, they'll stare as if it's feeding time.

9. my sisters won't be subjected to the mean tiny boobies jokes i inflict on them on a regular basis. ah, who am i kidding. i'll still be bigger than they are. and since i'm the oldest, it's my God-given right to tease.

10. although i don't feel it now, my neck, my back and shoulders will be a much happier crew!

so, it will be a while before i write another entry. after i come out of the drug-induced bliss, i'll be sure to write about a happier, smaller more satisfied me.

be happy. be confident in what you want. be blessed.

HOW sweet it was

so i am officially back from out of town! i have just come back from one of the most awesome conference for creatives in the world - the HOW design conference in chicago. over 3500 people were there. people just like me, designers who love their macs, love their talents, a chance to get away from the office and fuse with others who share this passion. i got to play with other creatives, get to know my co-worker a little better and catch up with one of the best designers i know - gissy, you're absolutely fabulous! one of the highlights was the closing party where we were to come as we weren't - a mascerade party. we saw killer costumes and chatted with fascinating people - one in particular i hope will continue to be in touch :)

there were some hiccups on the way there. drew, my co-worker was pulled aside by cola airport security 'cause his belt kept making the alarm go off. that was hilarious - especially since this was his first time flying ever! then our flight was delayed due to bad weather. then we missed our connecting flight because of said weather conditions. we were rebooked for a flight that left the NEXT morning. wouldn't have been so bad, except gissy was bunking with me! we got all that straight, though.

if you ever end up missing your connecting flight from dc and have to stay in a nearby hotel, i highly recommend the hyatt regency in reston, va. for the few hours we stayed there, it was absolutely awesome. the service was out of this world and the facilities impeccable. they gave us a little toiletries so we could at least brush our teeth, comb hair and wash the underarms and apply fresh deodorant. btw, we stayed in two separate rooms. don't want anyone to think anything else :)

we all finally arrived in chicago in one piece. i never appreciated a shower so much! we toured the sights, ate deep dish pizza and had a great time. now as with any conference, you're bound have signed up for a stinker session or two. i only had one that was totally crapsville, but overall the conference was fantastic! i won't spend so much time going over this, 'cause if you're not a designer, creative type, or my director who requires a report upon return, you won't appreciate the recap. but my favorite session would be the one entitled "designers who care." the session was led by peleg top, a designer who left the corporate design scene and successfully started a design firm that caters to non-profit and community-based clients.

up until that wonderful sunday morning, i didn't even think that it was possible to do what you're really passionate about AND be able to live off it. i love design. but i really am passionate about helping non-profits, community-based and religion affiliated organizations through my design skills. i've always liked the idea helping these types, but have always run in to problems with small budgets. mr. top revealed how that was possible as he discussed different types of projects that could be taken on in this arena. as he explained certain things, i could see how passionate he was about his firm's work and the pride in the contributions he and his colleagues have made to their surrounding community.

top gave renewed a hope that i almost let go. the hope of being able to just help people and make a decent living from it. and not in an exploitive manner. one of the ways he said we as designers could give back is to teach. i am teaching in the fall at my alma mater. and while i am denying it now, i will admit that i am really excited about this and will probably have a great time teaching and learning from my eight students this fall. i have awesome ideas for them and want to make the class exciting and educational. i also can't wait to share with them the importance of giving back to the community in which we live.

it is my sincere desire to make my little space in this world better. my church has started some life-changing programs and has had a profound impact on the surrounding community. i have so many ideas i would love to implement to help propel these awesome programs, but never enough time to develop a plan to make it happen. i know deep down that i will eventually have to give up some things and totally sacrifice others to make these visions come to pass. i have to make time if i want to live what i truly desire - just to be a helper. the Bible says that your "gifts will make room for you." i truly believe that and it is the gifts God has given me with this passion to help that will help me be successful in this area. i have to make the first move though. i think i'm doing that with this teaching assignment at cc. we'll see where this gift and God will take me from there.

i am becoming more open to change and willing to make those changes. there are some things that i have to continue to stand firm in, but i cannot be so rigid that i miss whatever it is God's mapped out for my destiny. i have encountered the unexpected on this trip and now i'm ready for more. i pray that you are, too.

be open to change. be ready when it happens. be faithful and steadfast in your dreams.

popcorn and pickles

when we were little, my dad would make us jiffypop popcorn - the kind you swish around on the stove 'til the popping kernels inside would make that aluminum foil rise form a alien-shaped helmet.

daddy would pour the fresh popcorn in a bowl salt 'em up, slice up some kosher dill pickles and we'd all gather in the living room and watch movies. what fun we'd have crunching the corn, sucking the juice from the pickles and talking through the movie du evening. the are seven of us, so what a sight it would be for six little girls, one scrawny little boy and this big tall man squished on a tiny sofa, watching the boob tube. we loved it! it was a time to forget about the homework, the bullies, the chores (with seven kids you know there were alot!) and relax on the couch with daddy. enjoying his security and strange tastes in movies. sometimes we'd watch a horror flick or a disney classic. the strangest movie we watched together was the rocky horror picture show. ha! i remember us dancing with daddy in the living to the "time warp" song. my mother would hang her head in shame as we screamed "let's do the time warp again!" ah, those were the days.

that was over fifteen years ago. we're all just about out of the house now. only my baby brother (my only) and two sisters are home now. we all get together, but there was nothing like those nights. carefree and unware of any real life problems. now there are bills, mortgages, kids, significant others (or lack of), car trouble and other crap that cloud our thoughts and sometimes take away from the gatherings.

i was longing for those days again. so i scheduled popcorn and pickles night. it was just me, daddy, two of my sisters and my darling nephews. we rented movies, ordered pizza and bought pickles - kosher, of course. i even found the old jiffy popcorn that you swish on the burner! my five year old nephew and i swished to our hearts' content! unfortunately, the kernels burned. worked better when daddy did it. we opted for microwave pop instead.

we watched a disney classic, a weird movie and a love story. they were all awesome. we laughed as we talked about how we used to do this when we were little. #2 sister and i have vowed that we do the p & p night as long and as often as we could. while it's not the same, there are new memories to make with the kids and old ones to share with each other. who knows, maybe one of these days all of us will be dancing "time warp" again in the living room. well, maybe not the nephews... that really is a twisted movie.

be nostalgic. be constantly in touch. be blessed.

so called friend

so, i'm having a wonderful conversation with someone i haven't spoken to in a long time. we shared a hallway in an office building about two years ago. i was sharing an office with someone who was starting a business. hall buddy was in a cute little office across the way. we all were very excited about starting businesses and making our own. i particularly was excited because my office buddy was so enthusiastic and i thought i found a colleague who i could trust. not so. things didn't go well and time proved it would be more economical, convenient and wise for me move my office back home. hall buddy thought the same, and moved out about three months before i left.

time passes and we go our separate ways. there's no way to keep track of hall buddy, but i pray for her often and hope she has landed on her feet. out of the blue, hall buddy (hb for the rest of this entry) sends a message to my work e-mail. it seems that she was looking up some info and saw my name on the staff page. how exciting! she is doing well and things are looking up for her.

so we're chatting it up and the talk turns to past dealings of office buddy. turns out office buddy is two-faced and a very good actress. all the time i think we're bonding like sisters, she's talking about me to hb. office buddy and hb go out to lunch one day (i was meeting a with a client) and office buddy start saying ugly things about me. "well, what does she say about me," i ask hb. "i can't remember everything, but they weren't nice things." i think she remembers what was said and is just trying spare my feelings.

i'm shocked and hurt. i genuinely thought she was my friend. despite the fact that she would gossip about other people to me and find creative ways to hide from creditors who call the office. even when she left to be with her husband who was stationed on a tour of duty in another country, i tried to help out where i could to help keep HER business going. this is where the red flag should have gone up. i shouldn't have been suprised, but i was. hb did say that office buddy was saying like i wouldn't do things for her right away when she asked. or i didn't appreciate the fact she still has to work hard even though her military husband brings home the check - there are things she has to take care, too. usually when she asked for something i would try to do what i could, but i was supporting myself and living off unemployment checks and could no longer give ANYONE free design work or printing services because it COST ME!!!! i was sympathetic to a point, but at the end of the day she really had the financial support i didn't.

i cut my rate and gave her breaks when others who paid as late as she did sometimes would have been cut off. i ALWAYS paid my half of the office rent and utilities on time when my own bills would go late. when she went through a bad spell with one her other close friends, i helped her find a way to talk to her again and try to sort things out their fifteen-year long friendship. i am hurt. and i feel like an idiot for trusting someone who so easily turned on me. i know i should shrug it off and chalk it up to experience, but for now i am cut.

the sad part is still i pray that she and her husband are doing okay overseas and that they have a safe return home when their tour of duty is over. that's what makes me angry. this person has hurt me deeply, yet i pray for her health and happiness. i had the icky feeling for a while about her, but chose to ignore it. i thought that this person was tried and true and that i was just being paranoid because i was nervous about starting out on my own.

what's worse is that i don't know how many other people she's told lies to about me. it hurts that while i stick up and try to help this person out, i'm stabbed in the heart. i will get over this and i've learned a valuable lesson from this all. i've learned that "not everyone that smiles in your face is your friend" is a true statement. there are backstabbers out there. i shared an office, my secrets and my hopes with one. at least my real friends will talk about me to my FACE. there are few people who i completely trust without question. i think i'll keep it that way.

be wise. be true to yourself. be blessed.

the blonde moment

sometimes it just doesn't pay to be cheap. i call myself trying saving 0.37 in postage by dropping off a payment here in town. i write out the check, then put it in my purse and promptly forgot about it. this saturday. monday i wake up and say to myself "don't forget to take the payment by that office." monday comes and goes... no payment made. tuesday the same thing, except this time i call the place to make sure i know where i need to go. tuesday leaves with no payment. wednesday... i say i'm going to make the payment during lunch. coworkers and i go out to eat instead. it was good, too. i remember i was supposed to take care of the payment after the place closes. luckily for me it's not due until friday, the 6th. as God is my witness, i shall make this payment during lunch time tomorrow! i'm not saving that stamp and .37 cents for nothing!

soooo. today. i leave at 11:45 - a whole 15 minutes earlier than normal lunch time so i can take this check and pay these people back for a bed i bought, but haven't slept in yet. it's still in the box... since i'm selling there's no point in taking it out until i am in my new abode, right? anyway. i'm so proud of myself because i'm on a mission! i'm finally going to pay back some borrowed funds! so i head off to devine street. yep. i know exactly where i'm going. the place is right across the street from the high school. okay... here's the high school.... where's the office? hmmm. maybe it's a couple more blocks up... nope. i'm in fort jackson now. that's not right. turn around.

maybe the sign's too small to see. there's the school again. nope. no office. turn around one more time. at this point i'm frustrated 'cause i've wasted precious gas (the tank is dangerously close to "e" at this point), and 20 minutes of my lunch time and still i have not found this mysterious office! after the 5th time around the area where the office is supposed to be, i call 411 and ask for the office number. "we don't have a listing on devine street for that company. there's one on forest, st. andrews and harbison. maybe" "sir," i boldy interrupt, "the office IS on devine! oh wait a minute, what's the listing again?" "forest, st. andrews, harbi-" "wait!" i say with shame. "it is forest drive."

"dummy!" it's across the street from the OTHER high school. so with 30 min remaining on my lunch hour, i take a funky short cut to the other side of town. NOW i know where i'm going. yep. no problem... okay... there's the school... there's the gym... WHERE is this >#@#! office!!! let's turn around and look one more time.... nope. no luck. okay. now i'm feeling really stupid and embarrassed. i have only 15 mins left now and i'm riding on gas fumes. AND i'm hungry. so i abort the mission in hopes of making the drop off to the location i know for sure... harbison. i called and asked specifially WHERE they are. better luck next time. unless this one mysteriously disappears, too.

be sure. be confident. be blessed.

revamp

so here i am with five months remaining in my 20s and i sit and wonder "what have you REALLY accomplished?" i mean i have been taking some time to examine myself and wonder if i've really been living the way i want to – the way i'm meant to live. to some degree, yes i have. i finished school on time and with honors, holding down a decent paying job with great benefits, earn extra money every now and again by freelancing my design skills. i own a home (about to sell for something else), my family for the most part is in good health and friends are great. but i sometimes feel that i'm still MISSING something. although i'm most grateful for the life i live now, i still feel i'm not where i want or need to be.

part of the problem is that i'm not sure what it is i'm supposed to be doing. i know my life has a purpose. but finding out what exactly is a bit of a challenge. there are things that i have wanted to do for so long, but haven't gotten around to doing it - part fear, part procrastination. i let things, people and situations distract me and i get off track. it wasn't 'til recently when i learned that some dear sweet friends of mine are expecting that i realized that i sometimes feel left behind. now don't get me wrong, i'm am bursting with joy and praise to God for their most treasured gift. it's something they've wanted for a long time. i can't wait to see little "freebird" when she or he gets here. still, they are where i thought i would be by this time. so now it's time to re-think, re-focus and re-vamp some of the things i'm doing.

so what is it that i really want? materially speaking, i want a driveway witha mailbox. hence my selling the condo. i want a freestanding building on a lot in a neighborhood without the extra ridiculuos regime fee in addition to my mortgage. i want my friends and family to come over and not worry about if they've taken someone's parking space and if they'll get a ticket for it. i want the freedom to add to or take away from the structure of my home and not worry if "THE BOARD" is coming to tell me i've done something wrong. easy fix... sell the home and get another. of course, now i realize that this task will bring on a new set of challenges as the ridiculous monthly fee is threatening to potential buyers.

i want to do something MY WAY and NOT compromise. just once. i don't want to think about what friends or family will be offended 'cause i didn't do what they suggested. this is a tougher task than it looks 'cause i'm just not built to think about me and me only. i'm turning 30 this year, i'm determined to have something other than my home completely my way.

i want to go to school and earn a graduate degree. i've already picked out the school and area of study. again procrastination keeps me at bay with finishing the application and getting started. i want to be more financially secure and prepared for the future (since bush insists on making sure i'll have no money when i retire). i want to have a house with laughing babies of my own and a husband to share it all with. i want to exercise more regulary and eat healthier. i want a closer, more intimate relationship with God. i want, i want, i want!

there are host of other things i want to do/accomplish and i know the main problem is ME! i am the one holding back. what am i waiting for? part of me waits for some one else to do it for me. part of me waits for that special someone to come along to share the important decisions with. some of it i can control, other things i can't. my pastor often says that only a crazy person will do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. he's right. and while i'm not certifiable (is that a word?) i believe that i have been crazy to do the same things every time, expecting different changes. i'm at an interesting crossroads in life. i can decide to go the same route and be disappointed in the same results, or i can take a risk and change and where the road takes me. at least i will not be disappointed in trying. thank you, little "freebird" for coming along. you've just showed your "auntie" that she still has time to pick up the pace.

be tenacious. be uncompromising. be blessed.

my house IS for sale

so i put my home on the market last week. three weeks prior, i busted my chops to clean and make it presentable for showing... not just clean... showroom clean. the information goes online monday, pictures posted tuesday. so i'm thinking i'll have probably another week or so before someone decides to look at it. the guard is down. no need to be in "property show" mode just yet. wrong! i get a call today from a realtor and a prospective buyer... "we're right outside your home... we noticed you have company, but we'd like to come in and take a look... is that okay?" my sisters, nephew and mom are over for sunday dinner and the kitchen is slightly messy.

smacked down with the sudden reality that my home is now on public display, i say sure. i just got home from church so there's clothes in my room and stuff on the office floor. while the prospective buyer and realtor park the car, sister no.5 and i race upstairs to hide stuff straighten the pillows and hide the shed worship clothes from the morning worship service. holy monkey! this is for real!!!! missy prospective buyer and her commissioned friend come in and look around... my family and i are in the kitchen finishing up dinner and hoping nephew doesn't start to cry... he's in a mood today. they inspect upstairs and i feel like a guest in my own home. they compliment how lovely the home is and thank me for allowing them to come in and take a look around. i thank them and say no problem. they leave. we relax again.

so now it's here. the constant inspections before i leave for work every morning. making sure each and everything is tucked away neatly so as to not offend any potential buyer. can't leave my pjs on the floor and pick 'em up when i get home later that evening. everything must be practically perfect in every way. i live in a showroom now. this is certainly more torturous for my family who visits more often than most people would stand to allow. now i have to tell them to wash out their dishes or put them in the dishwasher. everything is dusted and mirrors and glasses are cleaned every other day. the vaccuum will run atleast twice a week as supposed to the twice a month i usually run it. the bed is made as soon as i roll out of it. my office, which is the hardest place to keep clean is organized every morning before i leave for work and every evening before i go to bed.

the cleaning frenzy is now amplified by the chance that someone will drop in and decide if this place, my home, is where she/he will start her/his life over... or make a summer/winter getaway... or house their child while attending college... or be a very first purchase. is this frustrating... in a way yes. but i hope when i'm out looking in my next potential home, someone will go through the trouble to make it a neat, orderly and inviting as i have made mine. so check out my bachelorlette pad on display...

take a look, tell a friend. my home is now a showcase for all to enjoy and one day buy.

be happy. be prosperous. be blessed.

creative utopia

in a designer's perfect world, all projects are chance to create without limits or boundaries; there is no budget and complete creative control is in her hands. she doesn't have to worry about being questioned on why a certain color or font was chosen or why that picture is cropped, rotated, distorted and strategically placed in the upper right or lower left corner. the beautiful error and tab-free copy is a fountain of sweet inspiration and require no rewriting. images are the right resolution and breath takingly gorgeous. there aren't last minute requests to review the design one last time before sending to press. the paper she spent hours picking out isn't discontinued or an expensive mill item and if it has to be specially made, she doesn't have to change it to meet a budget 'cause, remember, budgets don't exist. neither do deadlines. printers' bids are returned on time and the press check is void of any disasters. the final version looks exactly like what's on computer screen. photographers know exactly what she wants the first time she explains the concept. and all the artwork is royalty free. backseat designers are kept at bay. everyone loves her work the first time she presents it. clients hang on her every creative move, realizing her training, experience and creative mojo are far greater than any of the feeble ms publisheresque ideas they conjure up. publications never have difficulty opening what she sends them - they have the same fonts and software - even better they're on a mac! she is the envy of the creative community and everything she creates is worthy to be reproduced in all the coveted and prestigious design publications. tacky clipart is a sin and creative block is non-existent. everyone treats her like the designing superstar that she is. she is proud of every piece she works on. but most of all, she's paid on time.

be creative, be free, be blessed.

happy valentines

"so what's your valentine getting you?"
"nothing. i don't have a valentine."

"you're a pretty girl. why don't you have a sweetheart for valentine's"
"thank you. why is the sky blue? i don't know."

"you should have somebody. not even a prospect somewhere?"
"nope. not one."

"you need someone to make you happy. don't you want someone? do you even like boys?"
"yes, i like boys – men even better. why do i need someone to make me happy?"

"i bet mr. right came along a while ago and you chased him away."
"yep. that's it. he came along to sweep my off my feet and i told him to take a hike 'cause i can walk."

"you know the Bible says 'he who finds a wife, finds a good thing.' maybe you don't want to be found."
"yes. it does say that. maybe it's not my time to be found. although, i'm not really hiding."

"maybe you're being too picky. that's it. you're just too picky."
"yea. forgive me for not wanting to be with someone who can't offer as much as i can in a relationship and more."

"what i mean is that maybe your standards are too high."
"wow. you mean like being able to carry on an intelligent conversation with someone? and not going to an all you can eat buffet for a first date?"

"what i mean is that when a guy trys to talk to you, you immediately turn ice cold and shut the guy down."
"i prefer to think of it as a slight chill. that's because my @#!%-o-meter goes off and i can tell right away what his true intentions are. the longing stare and conversation with my breasts (affectionately known as the girls) are a dead give away. besides i don't respond well to 'psst. hey girl, what yo' name is?'"

so here it is again. valentines. the day to celebrate love. old love, new love. on the verge of being in love. love, love, love! such love will be professed through elaborate dinners, chocolates, cards, jewelry, poems, flowers, songs or a just quiet evening at home. somewhere today a couple will get engaged or married; a secret love will be revealed; a few babies will be conceived - or even better some will be born tonight. some couples will reunite after some hurtful time apart and others will rekindle their passion and renew their committment to each other. romantic love is definitely in the air tonight. and i am home alone writing this entry before i work on an ad for a freelance client of mine.

there's no singing, professing of undying love or anything like that going on for me tonite (or tomorrow for that matter). it's been that way for me for as long as i can remember. and i'm okay with it. but honestly speaking, this will be the first year where it bothers me. for years i have been bombarded with questions about my romantic interests or lack thereof. and for years, i've been put on the defensive. what bothers me is the fact that people are bothered by the level of comfort i find in being alone - even on this most cherished holiday of the year. but i am in love... with me. so why not spend time with the person that i have finally come to like, trust and adore? why do i have to be miserable or depressed because i am sans lover? because hallmark and ftd says i should be?

for longest time i've struggled with liking and loving myself. not that i didn't have enough love in my childhood. there's nothing but love in my home. parents, siblings, extended family members and friends have given me enough love to last past the borders of time and beyond. but even with all of that, that deep, truthful peaceful self-love was not there. i was not comfortable in my own skin. it wasn't until just recently i began to realize what a special person i am inside and out. and it shows. my smile isn't just for show anymore. somewhere between my being laid off, starting my own business and then returning to the 9-5 workforce, my confidence and self-love grew. i owe a lot of that to God.

i was "talking" to someone when i was laid off. he was one of the first persons i called and told about the situation. TO THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I DON'T LIKE GUYS: YES, I DO DATE - NOT VERY OFTEN, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN. i was looking for some sort of comfort or deep words of encouragement and didn't get it. that and other reasons was the cause of my calling it off with him. but when i called to call it quits. he said "you're just not ready and i can respect that." that would probably be one of the most profound statements he would ever make. while the gentleman really did need to get his mess together, he was right. i wasn't ready to deal with being in a relationship. i'll take it another step further and say that i just wasn't really ready to deal with myself.

so what's happened between then and now? i had time to really pray about specific things. asking God to show me things, heal me from the lack of self confidence and fear. some things went away over night and others are slowly fading away. don't get me wrong, there are days when i really have fight the feelings of self-doubt more than others. i am human but for the first time, i'm able to be alone and be 90% okay with it. i love me. and i love love. i'm able to hear questions like the ones above and not feel less than human because i'm single. i am annoyed with people who really don't understand my peace. i am gradually learning to try new ventures like teaching or taking a trip by myself. i realize i have something more than a pretty smile to offer.

today i sent my some of my most cherished friends an e-card letting them know i love them and wish them a happy valentines. some are married, some are in great relationships and some are single like me. i called my family and told them i love them. i even sent my choir family an email reminding them of the greatest love of all, Jesus, and wishing them a most blessed and happy day. i am a major fan of love and not just on february 14.

i firmly believe that it will come to me because i have given it and continue to give it. and if for some unknown reason i don't ever experience that great romance, i'm happy to know that i'm learning to love myself through God. i believe in romantic love. i believe in love's awesome power. i believe in unconditional, loyal and faithful love. i believe in true and peaceful love. i believe in loving oneself enough to love someone else.

be happy, be loved and be blessed.

hello.

salutations, my good people.

welcome to the wonderfully, intriguing world that is me! with pure excitement and inspiration from a couple of friends who have been blogging, i have finally decided to dive in and find my own little piece of online heaven to rant, cheer, dream, inspire, share, gripe, etc. i keep a paper journal, but sometimes the things that fly through my brain are just too weird, yet entertaining, to keep to myself. i spend 99.99% of my time in front of a computer anyway so why not make the most of it?

like my blogger friends, this little site will consist of a plethora (go me! i remembered a college word!) of thoughts and ideas. some entries will be just silly happenings and observations. some will be more serious. sometimes i'll even let you reply to what i've shared. and i'm doing it all in lowercase! - thank you mr. e.e. cummings. i have too much to worry about in the world. why do i need to add remembering to capitalize, too? i will say that i will be sure to cap God's name and and references to the Bible. that will be the only exception.

i love to talk. lack of punctuation and short sentences in this entry alone have proven that. but hey, it's my blog and i can not punctuate and write rather long sentences if i want to. who's going to stop me? ha!

i've composed a list of things i should like to accomplish before or soon after my 30th birthday. most of it's mainly a wish list, but some things on it are relatively easy to do. like starting this blog - #14! as you read on, you'll find out later what some of those things are. it is my sincere desire to continue this on a regular basis.

well, it is most definitely time to jet off to dreamland. be well, be blessed and be happy!

smooches!