happy valentines

"so what's your valentine getting you?"
"nothing. i don't have a valentine."

"you're a pretty girl. why don't you have a sweetheart for valentine's"
"thank you. why is the sky blue? i don't know."

"you should have somebody. not even a prospect somewhere?"
"nope. not one."

"you need someone to make you happy. don't you want someone? do you even like boys?"
"yes, i like boys – men even better. why do i need someone to make me happy?"

"i bet mr. right came along a while ago and you chased him away."
"yep. that's it. he came along to sweep my off my feet and i told him to take a hike 'cause i can walk."

"you know the Bible says 'he who finds a wife, finds a good thing.' maybe you don't want to be found."
"yes. it does say that. maybe it's not my time to be found. although, i'm not really hiding."

"maybe you're being too picky. that's it. you're just too picky."
"yea. forgive me for not wanting to be with someone who can't offer as much as i can in a relationship and more."

"what i mean is that maybe your standards are too high."
"wow. you mean like being able to carry on an intelligent conversation with someone? and not going to an all you can eat buffet for a first date?"

"what i mean is that when a guy trys to talk to you, you immediately turn ice cold and shut the guy down."
"i prefer to think of it as a slight chill. that's because my @#!%-o-meter goes off and i can tell right away what his true intentions are. the longing stare and conversation with my breasts (affectionately known as the girls) are a dead give away. besides i don't respond well to 'psst. hey girl, what yo' name is?'"

so here it is again. valentines. the day to celebrate love. old love, new love. on the verge of being in love. love, love, love! such love will be professed through elaborate dinners, chocolates, cards, jewelry, poems, flowers, songs or a just quiet evening at home. somewhere today a couple will get engaged or married; a secret love will be revealed; a few babies will be conceived - or even better some will be born tonight. some couples will reunite after some hurtful time apart and others will rekindle their passion and renew their committment to each other. romantic love is definitely in the air tonight. and i am home alone writing this entry before i work on an ad for a freelance client of mine.

there's no singing, professing of undying love or anything like that going on for me tonite (or tomorrow for that matter). it's been that way for me for as long as i can remember. and i'm okay with it. but honestly speaking, this will be the first year where it bothers me. for years i have been bombarded with questions about my romantic interests or lack thereof. and for years, i've been put on the defensive. what bothers me is the fact that people are bothered by the level of comfort i find in being alone - even on this most cherished holiday of the year. but i am in love... with me. so why not spend time with the person that i have finally come to like, trust and adore? why do i have to be miserable or depressed because i am sans lover? because hallmark and ftd says i should be?

for longest time i've struggled with liking and loving myself. not that i didn't have enough love in my childhood. there's nothing but love in my home. parents, siblings, extended family members and friends have given me enough love to last past the borders of time and beyond. but even with all of that, that deep, truthful peaceful self-love was not there. i was not comfortable in my own skin. it wasn't until just recently i began to realize what a special person i am inside and out. and it shows. my smile isn't just for show anymore. somewhere between my being laid off, starting my own business and then returning to the 9-5 workforce, my confidence and self-love grew. i owe a lot of that to God.

i was "talking" to someone when i was laid off. he was one of the first persons i called and told about the situation. TO THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I DON'T LIKE GUYS: YES, I DO DATE - NOT VERY OFTEN, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN. i was looking for some sort of comfort or deep words of encouragement and didn't get it. that and other reasons was the cause of my calling it off with him. but when i called to call it quits. he said "you're just not ready and i can respect that." that would probably be one of the most profound statements he would ever make. while the gentleman really did need to get his mess together, he was right. i wasn't ready to deal with being in a relationship. i'll take it another step further and say that i just wasn't really ready to deal with myself.

so what's happened between then and now? i had time to really pray about specific things. asking God to show me things, heal me from the lack of self confidence and fear. some things went away over night and others are slowly fading away. don't get me wrong, there are days when i really have fight the feelings of self-doubt more than others. i am human but for the first time, i'm able to be alone and be 90% okay with it. i love me. and i love love. i'm able to hear questions like the ones above and not feel less than human because i'm single. i am annoyed with people who really don't understand my peace. i am gradually learning to try new ventures like teaching or taking a trip by myself. i realize i have something more than a pretty smile to offer.

today i sent my some of my most cherished friends an e-card letting them know i love them and wish them a happy valentines. some are married, some are in great relationships and some are single like me. i called my family and told them i love them. i even sent my choir family an email reminding them of the greatest love of all, Jesus, and wishing them a most blessed and happy day. i am a major fan of love and not just on february 14.

i firmly believe that it will come to me because i have given it and continue to give it. and if for some unknown reason i don't ever experience that great romance, i'm happy to know that i'm learning to love myself through God. i believe in romantic love. i believe in love's awesome power. i believe in unconditional, loyal and faithful love. i believe in true and peaceful love. i believe in loving oneself enough to love someone else.

be happy, be loved and be blessed.