so here i am with five months remaining in my 20s and i sit and wonder "what have you REALLY accomplished?" i mean i have been taking some time to examine myself and wonder if i've really been living the way i want to – the way i'm meant to live. to some degree, yes i have. i finished school on time and with honors, holding down a decent paying job with great benefits, earn extra money every now and again by freelancing my design skills. i own a home (about to sell for something else), my family for the most part is in good health and friends are great. but i sometimes feel that i'm still MISSING something. although i'm most grateful for the life i live now, i still feel i'm not where i want or need to be.
part of the problem is that i'm not sure what it is i'm supposed to be doing. i know my life has a purpose. but finding out what exactly is a bit of a challenge. there are things that i have wanted to do for so long, but haven't gotten around to doing it - part fear, part procrastination. i let things, people and situations distract me and i get off track. it wasn't 'til recently when i learned that some dear sweet friends of mine are expecting that i realized that i sometimes feel left behind. now don't get me wrong, i'm am bursting with joy and praise to God for their most treasured gift. it's something they've wanted for a long time. i can't wait to see little "freebird" when she or he gets here. still, they are where i thought i would be by this time. so now it's time to re-think, re-focus and re-vamp some of the things i'm doing.
so what is it that i really want? materially speaking, i want a driveway witha mailbox. hence my selling the condo. i want a freestanding building on a lot in a neighborhood without the extra ridiculuos regime fee in addition to my mortgage. i want my friends and family to come over and not worry about if they've taken someone's parking space and if they'll get a ticket for it. i want the freedom to add to or take away from the structure of my home and not worry if "THE BOARD" is coming to tell me i've done something wrong. easy fix... sell the home and get another. of course, now i realize that this task will bring on a new set of challenges as the ridiculous monthly fee is threatening to potential buyers.
i want to do something MY WAY and NOT compromise. just once. i don't want to think about what friends or family will be offended 'cause i didn't do what they suggested. this is a tougher task than it looks 'cause i'm just not built to think about me and me only. i'm turning 30 this year, i'm determined to have something other than my home completely my way.
i want to go to school and earn a graduate degree. i've already picked out the school and area of study. again procrastination keeps me at bay with finishing the application and getting started. i want to be more financially secure and prepared for the future (since bush insists on making sure i'll have no money when i retire). i want to have a house with laughing babies of my own and a husband to share it all with. i want to exercise more regulary and eat healthier. i want a closer, more intimate relationship with God. i want, i want, i want!
there are host of other things i want to do/accomplish and i know the main problem is ME! i am the one holding back. what am i waiting for? part of me waits for some one else to do it for me. part of me waits for that special someone to come along to share the important decisions with. some of it i can control, other things i can't. my pastor often says that only a crazy person will do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. he's right. and while i'm not certifiable (is that a word?) i believe that i have been crazy to do the same things every time, expecting different changes. i'm at an interesting crossroads in life. i can decide to go the same route and be disappointed in the same results, or i can take a risk and change and where the road takes me. at least i will not be disappointed in trying. thank you, little "freebird" for coming along. you've just showed your "auntie" that she still has time to pick up the pace.
be tenacious. be uncompromising. be blessed.
