return to me

in the past few weeks (months really) i have been evaluating myself, my attitude and certain things i've noticed that have changed about me. some things really good, like my body being healthier and in shape. my ever-changing hairstyles (it's changed like four times in the last month). and a slightly more adventurous approach to my wardrobe.

i've also noticed with all this great stuff happening, i've picked up a few not-so-good points of view within the last year. mainly my attitude toward romantic relationships-more specifically how i view my lack of being in one. now, i will say that my confidence level is through the roof and i am without a doubt a very, very attractive woman. an awesome friend and fun (crazy to some). i'm totally worth any man's while and any guy would be lucky to have me. i am a great catch. so why haven't i been caught?

this is the kind of question that has been brewing in the back of my mind lately. then when an opportunity for a relationship presents itself, one of two things happen. i enter with low expectations or i get too excited too quickly. then when things don't work out, i am sad. disappointed. and slight bitterness sets in. and the sad thing is i remember a time when i wasn't like that at all.

i never cared about "why didn't he call?" or "why can't i get someone?" i was perfectly happy just being me and just doing what i do. even when i didn't have the confidence level i have now, i enjoyed being alone or hanging out with friends. i wasn't worrying about some biological clock or the fact that i am unhitched. so what happened? where did that carefree fabulous single attitude go? i guess it was a gradual thing like the frog in the pot theory. there was a slow increase of too many bitter thoughts and other people's negative energies and attitudes around me. and eventually it got so hot, i didn't even notice it until now.

part of it is that i am an emotional sponge. sometimes i take what other people go through so personally that it manifests itself through my actions and disposition. i've allowed others' bad relationships or negative attitude to take hold of me. now i am a grown @!# woman and can think for myself, but subconsciously this off-brand of thinking's taken an adverse affect on me. i found myself adopting a slightly unhappy disposition toward romance. but i gradually let it happen. well, the buck stops here.

i don't want to or care to be that "bitter" girl. i'm not a bitter person. i am a hopeless romantic and a major fan of love. i'm excited to see others in love and spending their lives with their ONE. and i'll admit that sometimes i wonder if somehow love's bypassed me. or maybe i did meet HIM, but we both didn't realize it and we slipped away from each other. or maybe we've just not crossed paths yet.

but i do know that i was a happier, more satisfied me when i didn't dwell on those things so much. i was less stressed, and more content. and that's the attitude i'm taking back. i'm loving who i'm growing up to be and all the awesome new adventures that await me in the future. but this blase attitude has got to go. i'm shaking off this funk and climbing out of the pot. i'm returning to me.

be able to recognize some changes aren't for the best. be willing to admit it. be blessed.