i've been doing a lot of retrospective thinking this evening. some good thoughts. some not so good. the main thing that comes to mind is i want no regrets. not necessarily from bad choices or words unspoken, but from deeds unfulfilled. i'm in a constant state of "gotta push through" these days. fear drives my procrastination yet fuels my drive.
i think about my dad in particular when pushing past all the junk to get to my goals. in all the awesome he is, he holds himself back from accomplishing amazing things. he tightly holds on to many, many regrets and guilt from past mistakes. he fails to see the grace in his past and how everything literally worked and is working out for his good. and because he's afraid to let go and look forward, he misses out on a lot of wonderful happenings before him. he at times seems to be so sorrowful. because he cannot let go and forgive himself of life choices that didn't lead him to whatever fame and glory he sought in his youth. he literally does not see his own great worth.
i write about daddy because he is me right now and in the future. i've spent far too much time envying and encouraging others' talents. then not owning my own awesome. did i inherit this self pity from my dad or did i learn it? am i teaching my son and daughter to not believe in themselves though my own actions?
one thing is for sure. i've got to break this wall of shame i built. i have spent far too much time in the land of envy and regret. fear of making mistakes has held my dreams captive too long. and i'm the one who gave it too much power. the only mistakes i will regret are the one made underestimating my own strength in God and the ability actually achieving my goals. No matter how small or enormous the dream, i will make no mistake in my faith and have no regrets about the choice i make to get there. maybe by stepping forth to reach for my dream, i'll inspire someone to reach for his . no matter how old he is:-)
be blessed.
