last night i fell asleep after a most beautiful prayer lead by sir (we pray after just about every phone conversation). he will be here in less than a week. we haven't seen each other in a while. but this time this trip, THIS visit is different. he's coming not only as my friend and soul mate, he's coming as my future husband. when last i saw him he was my boyfriend. this time when he steps of the plane and meets me in baggage claim, he'll be my fiance. he's coming to follow in tradition by talking with my parents and make our engagement official. this is very exciting. so our prayers are to be the best spouses and friends we can be to each other. his prayer was calming, serene and wonderful. as i closed my eyes, my thoughts were of him and the words to God he whispered.
this morning around seven, i woke up in a panicked state--eyes filled with tears and short of breath. i had this overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety. i had this feeling as if everything was coming to an end. i couldn't stop crying. the harder i tried, the more the tears flowed and my breathing became more erratic. my mind was racing in a million different directions. what if i don't make a good wife? what if i really can't move away from my family? what if where i'm going is worse than where i am now? how can i really trust that i won't be hurt or disappointed when we get married? what if my house doesn't sell by the time we get married? is selling really the right thing to do right now? what if? what if? what if?...
what's wrong with me? am i having a panic attack? i went to the bathroom to splash water on my face and tried to calm down. but the water just mixed in with the tears i was shedding. i kept crying out "God, please help me!" my eyes were so red and puffy from crying and i had to go to work today. had to be there in less than an hour. that small plea to God to help me did help a little. i pulled it together in enough time to put on a "face" and pretend everything was ok.
the last time i felt that panic-stricken and overwhelmed, was right before i graduated from college. this wave of dread seems to occur whenever there is a major change in my life. those same old feelings of guilt, hurt, fear, doubt and anxiety are upon me and this time it's stronger than the last time. i guess the change is bigger and more dramatic. last time, i talked to my mother and masumi about it. but this time i feel different. i don't think they'll understand where i'm coming from. i could share this episode with sir, but i don't think he'll get it either.
so many thoughts race through my mind. i just can't suppress whatever it is i'm trying to ignore any longer. i'm praying right now for God to help me cope or release me from this state of confusion. and i'm finally going to do something i should have done a long while ago, seek help and therapy. i want to be totally at peace with this major life change. i want to be totally and completely ecstatic about what God has blessed me with. the Bible says that God makes us rich and adds no sorrow to it. so these feelings i have are not from God. they can't be. where are they coming from? and will i ever be in that state of bliss i'm longing for? God, with this therapy, i'm praying so.
be willing to admit you need help. be willing to accept that there are things ONLY God can help with. be blessed.
