change direction

you know it's funny how we get so programmed and stuck in a certain way of thinking that we hinder ourselves from moving forward and exploring new horizons. we let fear of failure or success keep us from even trying. past or perceived disappointments block us from our destiny. our place in the sun. our true happiness. why? why is it so hard to move out of that comfort zone and go for what we want? is society to blame? religion? family or friends? laziness or maybe a mixture of all of the above?

i will admit when i say "we," i really mean "me." i have been holding on to past disappointments, old fears and ancient ideals of what should and shouldn't be. now i'm not talking about what i believe to be morally and spiritually true for me. those things i hold dear to me and, for the most part, are the driving force of my life. but even in those things i have to be sure that i don't get caught up in traditionalism that i miss what's really moving.

tonight my pastor said something at bible study that struck to the core of me. he said "you'll never obtain what you are not willing to go after." hmmm. how true. he gave an illustration of how abraham went after his blessing by wrestling an angel of God for it. he wouldn't let go until he got it. which brings me to another question. how do you know when it's time to let go? when is it time to change direction?

i know in my heart of hearts that God means for me to have a family of my own. if it weren't so, i would not desire it so strongly. but my problem is that i hold on to this grand illusion of bumping into mr. right in a random book store or at the grocery shop. now, i've also heard my pastor say that you've got to sometimes place yourself in position to receive the blessing you're after. how often to i go to the book store? i hate grocery shopping so why would i expect to meet someone in a place where i try to spend as little time possible?

yes, i'm in church more than three times a week. but we really have more women than guys there. the guys who are there are way older, married or seriously involved with someone. some i have a question mark on their orientation.... that's another blog entirely. so where does that leave me? i am forced to leave my comfort zone and old way of thinking and be progressive.

i still want to be pursued. i want future mista to know that he's got to work for me. my love, trust and total devotion is not something that can be won overnight. but how will he know that unless i let him know that i'm even available for pursuit? so now, i have to put myself in the way of my blessing. moving out of the comfort zone certainly is not something easy for me or anyone else to do. however, i can't do the same thing every time and expect different results. that's crazy.

so tonight, i'll take a leap of faith and see where it takes me. i'm changing my way of thinking. i'm changing directions.

be willing to change. be ready. be blessed.