well, well, well. i never thought that i'd have to literally tell him that the "yes" is there, all he has to do is ask and persue, THEN watch him do absolutely NOTHING about it. and i never thought i'd encounter someone who's so caught up in his own self-perceived inadequacies that it literally hinders him from being "THE MAN" and taking charge. AND i never realized that no matter how "modern" today is and how independent i am that i'd still WANT to be persued, be the girl, be "chased," let him take the lead.
after almost two months of waiting, wondering, sporatic meetings here and there, i've finally decided that maybe this time around it's not me, it's him. and so i've got to just let this one go. but i don't do it with a sad disposition or regret. because even though this relationship will never be more than that of flirty texts and short calls, i've learned alot about myself and what i'm willing to embrace and let go.
i readily admit that usually it's me that runs for the hills without a second thought of looking back. some guys i've cut off for no good reason, others i absolutely had to let go. but this one, i really fought with myself to "stick it out." i had to work through my own fears and doubts. i didn't want to hear people tell me that i'm just being too picky and i needed to stop finding things wrong. so, i tried to not listen to that little voice that says that something's not right because i thought it was just my being insecure. but the more i tried to ignore it, the stronger the voice became.
he is a nice fellow. funny and shy, but not assertive. and that makes it too easy for me to fall into the role of "mama." now i know what you are saying. "you're just like those other girls who say they want a nice guy, but when they come along you turn up your nose and head for the rough neck." i'm not interested in a thug or rough neck guy. i do want a nice guy, but not a push over. i have siblings and students to boss around. i don't need that in a relationship. i also don't need to be involved with someone who is not willing to work as hard as i am to get something going.
there's a problem somewhere and it's not me. i can't fix whatever insecurities he has. i cannot continuously be the one putting my self "out there" only to be disappointed. i can no longer tolerate the mixed messages i get from him. one way on the phone. another way on the text and TOTALLY different in person. something about him is a little awry, but i cannot get him to share with me the same truths he asks i share with him.
but i do thank him for forcing me to take a look at myself and realizing what it is i want and don't want in a relationship. i thank him because now i know that i can walk away and be just fine. i learned that it's ok to ask a fella out to lunch and pay for it. it's ok to call him first and initiate conversations. i also learned that while these things are fine, i don't want to do it EVERY time. i learned how natural it was for me to just be me. more importantly, i learned that i really, really need to be with someone as strong as i am, if not stronger, in faith and in confidence.
so, i pray that he will literally get over himself and step up his game for the next gal. i pray that the desires of his heart be granted and that God heals him from past hurts and disappointments. i pray for his strength and that more courage to change is given to him. i speak peace in his mind, heart and soul.
and i pray for the patience to wait for the right one to come along for me.
be blessed.
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