about marriage...
it's certainly not all fairy tales and happy endings. but it is worth every moment if you're with the one you're meant to be with. we're just shy of five months into our wedded bliss and God is blessing. we're learning a lot about each other—our true likes, dislikes, habits, when we need alone time, when we need to be together, our breaking points and our laughing ones, too. true, indeed, it is scary sometimes when there are disagreements because we love each other so much, neither wants to the other to be uncomfortable. there have been times when we can't stop laughing at and with each other. and times when we cry till our eyes are red an puffy. it's incredibly intense at times and others it's way laid back. what's most amazing is that we're learning how to "get" each other. yeah, yeah, we're still babes in this thing. and i pray our passion and desire will be as strong and fiery for each other days, weeks, months and years from this moment. sir is truly growing to be my most trusted and closest friend. he is who i can confide in about things i dare not even share with my closest gal pal. and knowing that he'll not break that confidence is worth more than gold to me. and him trusting me enough to share his innermost thoughts is a precious gem, as well. all in all, we are doing well, and have much to learn. but what a better "classmate" could i have asked God for?
about worship...
this has been an up and down topic for me for quite a long time now. ever get to a place where you know that where you are is not where you want/need to be, but afraid to make the necessary change to move on? that is where i am right now concerning my place of worship. it's not that where i am is a horrible place and all that. i believe that what i needed spiritually from there when i was younger is not what i need now. but what's frustrating is that i'm used to being there and the change i need is harder to make than i anticipated. it's like one of my friends told me "you've outgrown the shoes, yet you're still trying to wear and walk in them." also, i did not anticipate that sir would not necessarily want to worship there. his personal style of worship is different from that of my current church. it is my sincere desire for us to grow and mature together in every way, including spiritually. there is a lovely church sir has fallen in love with and i've attended with him quite a few times. it truly is a beautiful, spirit-led and spirit-filled church. God's spirit, i mean. so what's the problem? change. being where i have been for thirteen years is not easy to just get up and leave. i have been praying and seeking God about this. sir has been sweet to pray for and with me, too. all the while, not pressuring me to leave or say that his new found church is better than mine.
so what to do? how do i resolve this issue? clearly, i want to move on, but am afraid to do it. but as my pastor has said, "you have to do things you've never done to get what you've never had." i'm sure he didn't coin the phrase, but i heard it first from him. i have prayed to God, asked friends and family about the situation, and asked my husband how he truly feels about us worshiping in two different places. and the bottom line is, i don't want us "eating from two different tables." and since i have outgrown my old pair of shoes, doesn't it make sense to get new ones? i've made the decision to join my husband at his church and help create the type of marriage we both are striving for. i'm writing a letter to my church leader, thanking him and the church for all they've done for me thus far. but moving on. don't get me wrong, i still feel conflicted about the move, because i'm fiercely loyal and resistant to change at times. but this is for the betterment of my spiritual life and my marriage. for those of you who've been in similar situations, please pray for me as i endeavor to step onto this new path.
about family...
there are so many crazy things going on within my immediate family right now. shocking and revealing events. i will write later on about some things as i sort out my feelings about it all. i will say that i truly thank God for my family and the sacrifices we make for each other. our do or die attitude toward helping each other through some pretty rough times. i ask God's grace and mercy be upon us as we walk through this challenging time in our lives. i'm also grateful that i have sir to confide in and talk to about the current happenings and that also, despite what is going on he is slowly feeling like he's a part of the bunch. in spite of all we go through, my family's heart and love is always big enough to welcome more. if sir only knew that he was welcomes and received from "day one..."
about school and career...
well, it will definitely take me longer to finish my program now that i have been told that i'm enrolled in the original 78-hour program. grrr. still, my desire to earn that m.f.a. is burning within me. what do i do when i'm done? that's still a mystery. i'm continually trying to find my place in this world. searching for my purpose and destiny in the grand scheme of things. i've been told on numerous occasions that i should write down what it is i want to accomplish, what it is i want to do. part of the problem is at times i really don't know. i know i'm to do more than what i do now. but where i'm to go, who i'm supposed to be and do seems a far off from me at times. maybe i should start writing things down. the bible does say to write the vision and make it plain (Habakkuk 2:2). perhaps that is what i'm missing... the writing part... making it plain to myself... allowing God to reveal himself to me through my writings. as israel houghton sang "say what you heard so you can see what you said." it's time to stop playing chicken with my dreams and writing some things down. crazy? impossible? never been done? doesn't matter. my God is the top authority and expert in these areas and more. time to stop dreaming-ducking and get to work...
about me...
i have been in some pretty strange ups and downs (spiritually, emotionally and physically) over the past year. part of it, not realizing all the potential i have within. part of it not dealing with things so i may be released from fear, doubt and anxiety. while i truly believe that i'm meant to be and to do more than, i'm at a loss on how to get "there." many times i felt like i needed a therapist, but what if i really need is a life coach? these are things i'm sorting through. but i will say, i have missed digi-diarying about my experiences. even if no one ever comments or reads any of these posts, this is truly for me. i need to do this. it's a release and wonderfully fun. i missed you, blog! and i'm back on the regular for sure this time.
be aware of what is good for you. be happy in the choices you make. be blessed.
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